12.09.2011

mess


Did you know that babies can fall off a sofa [backwards], hit the back of their little heads on top of a marble coffee table on their way down, and not only survive, but just kind of brush it off as it was no big deal at all? I did not know this... but now I do.

We've entered mobile territory in babyland, and I cannot stress enough how much I hate it. I hate that she has all these cool toys, yet all she wants to do is pull big, heavy books off of our bookshelves and rip the pages out. I hate that she's determined to climb our wall-mounted gas heater. I hate that she's attracted to electrical outlets like flies on shit. I hate it all. As soon as she started crawling a few weeks ago, I started to REALLY hate our coffee table; It's been barricaded with our sofa pillows ever since (I know, attractive), but those pillows did not work their magic during the big fall. So now, we basically have a stupid looking living room with a dangerous coffee table. Pretty awesome, let me tell you.

I'm worried all the time... worried that I can't protect her from all things all the time. I never used to be this way. I was, perhaps, the most worry-free person I'd ever come across. But then, long story short, I got pregnant and had a pretty big miscarriage scare in my first trimester, and I've been worried about almost everything ever since. I guess I just feel like I've been given so many get out of jail free cards in my life, and I'm simply waiting for my luck to strike. It sucks, and I need to put a stop to it or it's going to consume my life. I don't want to be that mom, let alone PERSON, who is always prepared for the worst. I'm well aware that I can potentially waste my life if I continue on this path.

This fall was inevitable, and I knew it. I told Joe two weeks ago that I was bracing myself for it. I don't think I've ever heard of a parent who hasn't dealt with some sort of blow to the head when it comes to their baby or toddler. And so, it happened. Cheech and I were home alone. She screamed, and I cried. I tried to sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" through cracks in my voice to get her to calm down. It was late. I called her on call doctor. I called my mom. They both reassured me and told me what signs to look for in regards to a serious head injury. I texted Joe at work and told him the coffee table was going on craigslist first thing in the morning. She cried off and on for 20 minutes. She cried in a way I had never heard her cry before. I told her I was sorry. I hated myself (if you're wondering, I was holding her when she fell, but she wiggled herself free). I waited for her to start acting normal again, and then I reluctantly put her to bed. I woke her every 20 minutes to make sure she was ok. This annoyed her immensely. Joe came home and I broke down and sobbed. He told me he was sorry and that she was fine. I believed him because he's usually right about these kinds if things. I crawled into bed all weepy eyed, nuzzled my face into the back of her neck and thanked her for being ok. I took her to her doctor today to confirm that everything is just as it should be, and it is.

I've spent the last coupe of days feeling messy. Messy in my head, and messy in my heart. I can't help but constantly relive the events that took place. Guilt is quite powerful. I'm not going to lie to you guys... this whole "parenting" thing is hard in ways I never would have expected. Sometimes it seems as if I love Cheech too much; It is, at the same time, the best feeling and the scariest feeling. Right now, I am learning. I am learning to do my very best to focus on all the good things, and not constantly fear all the bad things. It is not easy, but I am determined to succeed.


10 comments:

  1. :( It's a bummer that you are feeling like that all the time. Just hold on to the fact that she is okay and you are okay and accidents will happen.

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  2. I think you're a good mama, just from this post.
    ...and she really is the most beautiful baby.

    I will wish you blessings upon blessings and then more. :)

    ...hope her cutie cute cute head feels better. ♥ ♥ ♥

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  3. if you figure out how to succeed in letting the fear go, let me know. i'm on year four and it only gets worse as she starts doing more and more things. wait. that's not helping.
    i don't think the fear goes away. i just think we get used to carrying it. and soon, we'll start to look at it a beautiful (albeit uncomfortable) accessory that we can't live without.
    according to my mom, the sleeplessness and the guilt doesn't go away.
    shit, that doesn't help either.
    i'm useless.

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  4. I'm so sorry, lady :-( I can't imagine how rough it must be. But it sounds like Cheech is one tough lady! I do hope it gets better - maybe when she's old enough, you can enroll her in gymnastics to channel that daredevil side :-)

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  5. I'm sorry. Babies are pretty tough cookies though. She's probably feeling better, so you should too. I'm scared of being a mother because I'm already a paranoid web-med stalker.

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  6. Hi Celia,

    I am a regular reader of your blog. The event described above, or something similar, has happened to the best of all moms, I speak from experience! My first born daughter seemed accident prone like her parents, and you know what, despite a couple of what-seemed-like-at-the-time life threatening mishaps during her first 2 years of life, she is now a beautiful, responsible happy, healthy 12 year old girl. I know the feeling about the constant worrying, and not only that, questioning your ability to parent well. We all do our very best, sometimes too much so, and they all turn out perfectly. We worried a lot less with number 2, and number 3 pretty much had to fend for herself. You are an AWESOME mom and little Cheech looks like she's pretty happy with you judging by her big smile in all the pics :) And that dangerous coffee table? We just put ours away for a few months, really opens up the space for exploring babies/toddlers - it worked for us!

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  7. I thought of this post when I came across this one. http://theuglyearring.com/2011/10/06/glittery-and-golden/

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  8. Also, I've heard a cheap solution (although not necessarily decor-friendly) to furniture and fireplace corners is halving those pool noddles and sticking them on for the meanwhile.

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  9. Ammie fell on her head a few weeks ago. She fell off the bed and landed smack on the top of her head. Her neck snapped back, I thought it was broken. It was the worst thing I've ever seen and I nearly threw up but instead I screamed, then sobbed. This shit happens to everyone, and if not everyone then everyone with an adventurous baby (it's never happened to Ella). Adventurous babies are a good thing, they grow into adventurous adults. And that's what I'll keep telling myself.

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  10. Cara's right. They are adventurous little people. Also idiots, which is a scary, scary combination. It's such a fine line between helping learn about the world and protecting them from their fool selves. May Blossom was more bruise than baby for a couple of months when she became mobile.

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