Before I was a parent, it was easy to say, "When I am a parent, I will be like this... and I will do things this way... and my child will be like this." And all was going to be right in the world because I had the situation fully under control... before I was a parent. Learning to lose that control was not easy, but when you have a kid like Cheech, unless you want to royally fuck yourself over, you do learn and you learn quickly. Every day my kid challenges me, and as a result, every day I take in and I grow. And for that, I will never be able to thank her enough. Simply put, Cheech has a mind of her own. She is FIRM when it comes to her likes and dislikes, she is constantly challenging authority, she practically laughs in the face of danger, and she is EXCELLENT at saying no. However, surprisingly enough, she is rarely bratty, and if and when she is, a little distraction always does the trick. She's just a girl who knows what she wants. Period.
The one thing I never realized was how much trying is involved in parenting. Truthfully, I was always certain I would take the oh-so-popular "because I told you so" approach. It made sense that I, as the parent, would be the authority in the household and therefore, would always know what's best. Certainly, being older and of course, wiser, I would be aware of how to handle any given situation and would always have the right answers. Wrong! So, so WRONG. As the end of her first few months of life started to approach, and as her personality really began to come through, I came to understand that I didn't know shit from shit... turns out, I had ZERO answers.
Everything becomes a guessing game when you're dealing with a little person who has yet to learn how to formulate sentences and who doesn't exactly understand the concept of complex thoughts. She can't tell me why wiping her face off after a meal pisses her off so bad, but she can certainly communicate that she has absolutely no interest in having any sort of napkin anywhere near her face. And so now I'm that parent and she's that kid. She's that kid that always has a messy face, and I'm that parent that doesn't bother doing anything about it. I'm that parent that I used to so very easily ridicule and roll my eyes at. I'm that parent that would make me quietly think to myself, "that person has NO CLUE what they're doing." I'm THAT PARENT. And you know what? It's FINE. It's more than fine, actually. I've learned to pick my battles and pick them wisely. I want to teach my girl to be kind and to be giving. I want her to understand how to be safe. I want her to be healthy. If I can get all those things, even with a face that is forever covered in oatmeal/avocado/peanut butter/all of the above, then I can't ask for a single thing more.
About three or four months ago, Cheech decided that she hated baths (obviously, my girl has some sort of issue with cleanliness). We were still using an infant tub at the time, and I assumed that she was just uncomfortable and needed more space. So, I got rid of the tub and started her on regular baths in the full bathtub. The situation got much worse. I knew she wasn't afraid of water because she would HAPPILY go in any pool (kiddie or adult sized). What was once a nightly ritual, soon became an every-other-night anxiety ridden event. She would run away from me as soon as she heard the faucet turn on. She would cry in the water and hold out her arms, and scream, "MAMA, MAMA!" She would jump up and try to escape every chance she got. I would quickly scrub her down and rinse her off and I'd tell her through a shaky and teary voice, "It's Ok... it's just water... I'm not trying to hurt you." And so the trying began. I tried giving her showers instead. I tried using one of those removable shower heads that she could hold herself. I tried getting in the bath with her. Each attempt resulted in a massive failure that made me question my parenting skills. Eventually, I became a master of the 30 second baby bath. Every other night turned into three times a week, and quite soon after it got to the point that I would only bathe her when she was so disgustingly filthy and grimy. Again, I was THAT PARENT.
We came home from an incredibly messy afternoon at the park earlier today. Cheech had found her way into a muddy patch of sand, and had a face covered in deviled eggs and cupcake as a result of celebrating a friend's birthday. I knew that tonight HAD to be a bath night, and I dreaded it the whole way home. Not wanting her to walk her dirty self through our new and very clean home, I carried her in and sat her on our kitchen counter while I quickly got myself a glass of water. She leaned into the sink and started cheerfully playing with the trickling water. And then it hit me. Yes, I had tried, but I had not tried EVERYTHING. I got her undressed and cautiously sat her in the sink, waiting for a massive meltdown to commence. But what I got instead was a happy and LAUGHING little girl. She reached up and let the water run down her finger tips, and squealed in delight. She played, clapped and babbled to herself for ten minutes straight. I spent the entire time staring at her in excitement and complete amazement. Finally, FINALLY, something worked.
I can't help but look back and laugh at the old childless me. The one who thought she knew it all. The one whose child would one day teach her that she truly knows nothing.
What an amazing post Celia! Have discovered EXACTLY the same thing about myself in the last 9months. Pre-baby me was such a judgmental douche! I think the most important things you can teach a kid are kindness and to love and respect themselves. After that not much else matters. Yay you for raising such a spirited, confident baby and above all for maintaining your sense of humour through it all!
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DeleteCelia, I relate so well to this! There are so many nuances that I didn't anticipate. Not to mention, a strong-willed, but sensitive little personality to contend with.
ReplyDeleteAnd the bath thing is weird, right? My boy has always LOVED baths, but we've had two short periods of bath refusal so far, with no real explanation. I don't get it and, as much as I ask, he's not telling me.
Do you find that, as they get more and more vocal, the frustration when they can't clearly communicate is greater (for both of you) because you know they are so damn close?
so weird! she HATED baths for her first three months of life, and i would only give her sponge baths because the process of an actual bath was so torturous. then she came around and grew to love them. i really don't know what's happened in the past few months. she's never slipped, or choked from drinking too much bath water (it's so gross that they do that), so i feel like i'm at a total loss.
Deletethe frustration is definitely hard to deal with these days. like i said, i feel like i'm always playing some sort of guessing game... and when i guess wrong, it just seems to anger her even more. i can only imagine how difficult it must be to KNOW what you want to say, but have no idea how to actually formulate the words.
Sometimes my husband looks at me with 'WTF'written all over him, and I just have to shrug and say, 'Eh?' because I am all guessed out.
DeleteI loved this. You are an amazing mom!
ReplyDeletehi celia! i love this post. well said!
ReplyDeletelove this. being without a kid of my own and watching one for 50 hours a week is kind of a nice reality check. although because this kid is pretty easy, I'm convinced (that when we have one) mine will be a little hell child. you know, because that's how it works.
ReplyDeletealso: babies in sinks are effing adorable. especially cheeches in sinks.
Such a great post. Love, love the truth in it.
ReplyDeleteCheeches in sink! Oh my! And yes,trial and error and laughing at my judge-y self.
ReplyDeleteoh man, i could've written this post, if you substitute bath with about 25 different things on any given day. i have a mini-cheech on my hands, and i'm having the best time. it's so funny to look back at yourself and how you thought you would be after you've crossed over to the other side.
ReplyDeleteI have fond memories of being bathed in the sink.
ReplyDeletei feel like you've touched on this very subject before, of how you're constantly learning, and i love it. i can honestly say that your posts have been the single most relaxing & educative thing i have read about parenting to date. i just found out i'm about 7 weeks along... so keep these posts coming ;) !
ReplyDeleteoh, congrats yo you guys!! have you started dealing with any morning sickness yet? i had it for 18 weeks STRAIGHT... i do not wish that torture on anyone.
DeleteOMG.... RIGHT?
ReplyDeletebefore H was born we watched some people struggle with their newborns, and others glide. and we thought, if WE are relaxed, HE will be relaxed. WE WILL GLIDE.
i asked our midwife: Some people seem to have a harder time. Is it because they MAKE it harder?
no, she answered. I think there are easy babies and there are harder babies.
i was SURE she was wrong. maybe we just had to take comfort in the (false) knowledge that WE would be in control.
hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa.
so yeah, i feel you.
and have you read unconditional parenting? it turns that whole because i told you so approach on it's head. i mean, have you ever thought, "when cheech grows up i want her to be submissive and obedient!"
right.
i have not read that book, but what i quickly realized about the "because i told you so" approach was that it was probably a great way to create a kid who ALWAYS feels the need to rebel. the thought of raising a child who is constantly fighting me to "prove" herself just seems beyond terrifying to me. my mom was definitely strict like that with me, and although i would NEVER consider myself submissive and obedient, i was just such a different kid than cheech is. that technique worked for me because i was the kind of kid who RARELY, if ever, caused trouble or acted out of hand. i was like an urban legend. so when my mom pulled the "because i told you so" card, i knew that i was just WAY out of line. she was also a single mom, so i can see how her parenting approach HAD to be a bit tighter.
DeleteMy Emelia is nearly 2 and 1/2 and hates having her hair washed. LOVES water, so go figure. I do the distraction, and work hard (for both of us) to make things fun. Bubblebath tea party? Nothing is more fun than bubbles inside of the (eco friendly plastic) tea set! And I've just started washing her hair in the kitchen sink, with her laying on the counter (like my Mom used to do!). I call it "beauty parlor" and don't get her face wet, so she's learning to like it. And another one i've learned is "Em, do you want to wipe you face, or do you want Mama to do?". I almost always get "No, I do it!" - along with a relatively clean face. Cheech is yonger, but try this tactic - she may go for it. It puts her in charge, and you get the clean face.
ReplyDeletetotally! i have been trying to start getting in the habit of this now even though it is early. asking a question that does not have a yes or no answer!
Deletethat's an interesting point you brought up. at our last ped appointment, her doctor made mention that learning to work around difficult behavior now will make dealing with the "terrible twos" a whole lot easier. at this age they are, in a sense, incredibly self-centered, so giving them the "illusion" of choice makes them feel like they're in control even if they're not. let's say they're fighting you on getting in their car seat. you can say, "you can get in your car seat after i clap my hands, OR after i jump up and down". basically, the same principal as letting her wipe her own face. unfortunately, when i ask cheech if she'd like to wipe her own face, she just looks at me and shakes her head. ;[
Deletealso, i MUST try that "beauty parlor" technique. i've rarely been giving cheech baths these days, but hair washes only come once a blue moon.
I'm jumping on the limited options bandwagon. I find it helps a lot to involve Wildcat in the process, instead of doing things to him. Which, makes sense because not being/feeling in control of your body and life kinda blows.
DeleteWhat a lovely story and a beautiful picture!
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I have a one year old son and when i try to wipe his face he screams as if i want to cut his finger. So he always has a dirty face because it's not worse fighting. It's funny how things change once you really ARE a parent... i would have never thought that a one year old could be so determined. And it feels wrong to make him do things he doesn't want to do just because grown ups think it's necessary....
ReplyDeleteAs an almost-not-yet parent I love reading honest posts like this as it gives me a taste of what I'm in for! Thank you for sharing and thank heavens your kitchen sink is nice and deep!! xx
ReplyDeleteI always appreciate the things you say, and how candid and honest you are when discussing them. This is a subject that has been very much on my mind as of late, as all my friends and peers start are starting families, and babies are becoming prominent parts of the guest list for gatherings and parties. I am not a parent yet, but my guy and I talk a lot about what kind of parents we want to be, what we do and do not like, etc. For me, the journey into adulthood has been largely about learning when to have control and when to let it go. I have had to adopt this same skill when it comes to parenting. Now when we talk about raising children it is with caveats like "but we won't know until we get there" and disclaimers like "this is what I hope" "this is what I see that seems to work" and embracing an open mind about other people's situations with the understanding that every experience is different and is not ruled simply by good intentions. Thank you for being brave and candid enough to share what this experience is really like. Parenthood is the toughest job there is and your journey is an inspiring and helpful reminder to the rest of us that when we get there, all we can really do is have an open mind and try. I think your daughter is just beautiful, and I always enjoy learning more about the parent-child experience from people like you. One day, bath time will be a sweet and funny thing to tell her about when she is a young woman.
ReplyDeleteLove this post and you so perfectly describe what it's like!
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